


Eren and Jean's Great Crab Adventure

by c0cunt



Series: The Crab-Verse [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Gen, please help there's so much crab, there's a lot of crab
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-11
Updated: 2016-02-11
Packaged: 2018-05-19 16:07:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5973561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/c0cunt/pseuds/c0cunt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean isn't really surprised when Eren called him at 2am.  Nor is he really surprised that Eren asked him to cycle over to Sina to meet up with him.  Everything else...Well, that's kind of enough surprise to last a lifetime.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eren and Jean's Great Crab Adventure

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to Kai bc he screamed at me about crab for like three days and helped me figure out how much crab could possibly be eaten by twenty people in three months, and figuring out how much that amount of crab would cost.  
> Special thanks to Sasha for having an industrial freezer.

Jean wasn’t very concerned about getting a call at 2am.  He wasn’t even concerned that it was Eren calling him at 2am.  What concerned his sleep-addled brain, was Eren’s rapid squeaking and that he was asking if Jean still had his commercial driver’s license.  “Suuuuuuure do, why?”  Jean slurred into the phone, trying to keep his voice down so as not to wake Marco up.  As if anything could, he slept like the dead, even his light snoring was endearing.  

  “Just, can you get to Sina?  Like, right now?  Without your car I need you to drive, please?”  Eren’s voice rapid fired, not answering Jean’s question at all.  Jean squinted suspiciously, but figured what the heck, why not?  Grumbling that he could be there within fifty minutes (he could bike like a champ, all thanks to Marco asking him to work out together), Jean snapped the phone shut and dragged himself out of bed.  Like a sloth, Jean threw on a ratty pair of denim shorts, and tugged on his sneakers.  He almost forgot his keys the first time he left, then he nearly forgot his wallet, but eventually he was out the door and unlocking his bicycle when he realized he was still wearing his stupid sleep shirt still.  The words “I woke up like this:   _ Flawless _ ” were blurry and upside down to his tired eyes, but he wasn’t about to go back up three flights of stairs just to change a shirt.

  “Fuck it,” Jean grumbled, wobbling his way out with his bike.  Unfortunately, he had underestimated just how cold the night air was.  He probably should have just gone back upstairs and at least thrown on something that wasn’t sleeveless.  By the time he had gotten to the address Eren had texted him, his teeth were chattering up a storm, and Jean was very concerned for his tongue.  Not that he wasn’t concerned about everything else, when he realized that the address Eren sent him was in the middle of Sina’s practically abandoned warehouse district.  It felt too much like one of those stupid cop shows, and he wondered if Eren was somehow in trouble with the cops or something.  It would’ve made sense for him to call then, since Armin or Mikasa would come, but they’d chew Eren’s head off.  Jean though, he was friend enough to come bail him out, and not tell his overprotective friends.  He just hoped that Eren really hadn’t gotten into trouble…

  Eren was leaning against the side of a large truck, twisting his hands together and looking around anxiously, when Jean rounded the corner.  On one hand, Jean wanted to throttle him, but on the other hand he just wanted to get the fuck out of this creepy area.  Eren squawked when he heard Jean’s bike crunching on the crumbly asphalt, slipping into a defensive stance for a second, before relaxing when he saw who was there.

  “Thank fuck you made it here,” Eren breathed, pulling his now-sweaty friend into a quick hug, before hopping over to the truck.  “Throw your bike in and let’s get the fuck outta here,” Eren said, hurriedly opening the back of the truck to throw Jean’s bike in.  Jean glared at Eren for a second, panting slightly from all the cycling he just did, before letting himself peer into the truck.

  “Eren, what the fuck is in here?”  Jean asked, staring suspiciously at the stacks of styrofoam tubs that crowded the truck’s trailer.  Whatever was in there was also throwing off a huge amount of cold air, making Jean shiver slightly.  Eren fidgeted next to him, mumbling that he’d tell him on the drive back, just as a small black car turned the corner, the car’s lights blinding both of them for a second.  Eren cursed under his breath, before he threw Jean’s bike into the back, and slammed the doors shut with a shout of “Fuck, just get in the truck and drive, quick!”  Jean blinked a few times, a deer in headlights, as two men got out of the car.  They were wearing black suits and looked like they meant business, and Jean 100% did not want to know what kind of business they meant.  

  Eren shoved Jean, babbling incomprehensibly about starting the truck up, before he turned to the slowly advancing men.  “You were supposed to be here four hours ago!”  Eren snapped, crossing his arms as Jean fumbled with the keys hanging off the truck’s rearview mirror.  Neither man seemed to care or react to his words, but Jean was able to recognize a slight bit of fear in Eren’s voice, and that just made him even more anxious to get the truck going.  Eren was never afraid, not even when he went skydiving that one time and nearly forgot to open up his parachute, so whatever was going on was really fucked up.  Jean mumbled curses to himself as he dropped the keys, immediately diving after them and finally,  _ finally _ getting the key in.  Just as the truck growled to life, Jean quickly pulling his seatbelt on, Eren launched himself into the passenger seat and screamed “Drive, drive, fucking  _ drive, Jean holy fuck _ !”  If that didn’t set Jean’s nerves into high gear, the distinctive sound of gunfire behind him did, and Jean stomped on the gas pedal with a scream.

  Now, trucks aren’t exactly fast, but whatever was in the back was apparently not as heavy as Jean had thought, with all the styrofoam containers.  The truck lurched forward, Eren was yelling up a storm and Jean was wordlessly screaming as they shot down the street a lot faster than expected.  “Left!  Left left left!”  Eren screeched, Jean immediately turning the wheel, and the truck went squealing around the corner, hoping that Eren knew just where they were going and how to get there.  Eren stuck his head out the window every few seconds, looking behind them, and shouting directions at Jean, neither of them starting to calm down until they were on the interstate.  Which was in exactly the opposite direction of home, but Jean only said something when they stopped for gas.

  “Eren, what the ever loving FUCK was that?!  Who were those guys?!  FUCK, what do we have back there that we got SHOT AT over it?!”  Jean shouted, slapping his hands against the wheel for emphasis.  Eren held up his hands in surrender, babbling, “I’ll tell you after we gas up just, oh my god, don’t fucking tell Armin or Mika they’ll rip me two new assholes and that’s more assholes than anyone ever needs in their life.”  Jean glared at him as he hopped down from the truck, scurrying around to the gas pump.  At least Eren knew to get diesel instead of regular for this thing, Jean thought, rubbing his arms to warm up a little bit.  It might’ve been spring, but it probably wasn’t the best idea to wear shorts and a sleeveless shirt outside at...What time was it anyways?

  Jean grumbled as he wiggled his hands into his pockets, searching for his phone but coming up empty.  Had he grabbed it on the way out the door?  He couldn’t remember, but he wished he was curled up safe and warm in his bed with Marco.  Hell, he wouldn’t even mind if Marco was snoring five times as loud, he just wanted to go back home and sleep.  Unceremoniously, the door Jean was slightly leaning against was flung open, making Jean scream and automatically attempt to scramble away, seatbelt be damned as it dug into his collarbone and hip.  It was just Eren, who was holding out a donut with bright pink frosting (Jean’s favorite, but he won’t be swayed for now), and one of those tiny cardboard milk cartons, of strawberry milk.  He had his own donut sticking halfway out of his mouth, and a plain milk for himself delicately squished underneath his armpit.  Jean scowled as he swiped the donut and milk from Eren, grumbling even more now about being snuck up on.  At least now he had strawberry goodness and a perfect donut.

* * *

 

  Gassing up the truck took a surprisingly short amount of time, and soon enough Eren was climbing back into the truck as Jean turned the key in the ignition, immediately putting the heat up as high as possible.  But Jean didn’t put the truck into gear, instead staring at Eren as he sipped at his milk, waiting for his explanation about what the fuck had happened.  Eren fidgeted under his gaze, putting his seatbelt on and anxiously plucking at the frayed edges of the shirt he was wearing, anything to avoid talking.  When it became obvious that Jean wasn’t moving until he got an explanation, Eren sighed loudly (as if  _ he _ were the one who was asked to leave his warm, cozy bed where his boyfriend was still sleeping) before speaking.

  “Okay, so, remember how I had said I was taking on overnight shifts to cover for a coworker?”  Eren asked, glancing at Jean’s nodding head, before continuing.  “Well, I kiiiind of was doing that.  I mean, a coworker did come to me asking if I’d do a thing for his cousin, and I said why not ‘cause this dude was giving me like, $300 to spend a few hours standing by a goddamn truck!”  Eren laughed bitterly, shaking his head slightly.  “Found out just a few days ago that it’s a whole fuckin’ operation they’ve got going on there.  His uncle goes boating, and illegally trawls for crabs, the cousin loads the trucks, and then my coworker watches the truck until their buyer comes by and takes it off their hands for a king’s ransom.  It’s crazy, fuckin’ crazy, but…” Eren trailed off, shrugging almost sheepishly, a small grin spreading across his face.  “But we have almost 10,000 pounds of crab in the back of the truck.  Do you think they’re doing alright back there?  Maybe Levi will take some in for his shop?”

  For a minute, Jean just sat and stared at him.  Stared, and tried to wrap his head around how much crab was in the back of their truck.  (Was the truck stolen?  Who owned the truck he was sitting in?  Did he just technically commit a felony?  Could he go to prison over this much crab?  Oh god, would Marco still stay with him if he went to prison?  He was too young and pretty for prison!)  “Eren,” Jean started slowly, eyes widening in horror, “If we go to fucking prison over crabs, I’m gonna fuckin’ throttle you, so that I have an actual good reason for going to jail, and not just because we stole a fuckton of crabs.”  Eren stared at him, blinking slowly for a few seconds, horror slowly seeping across his face.

  “Holy shit,” Eren breathed, pulling his phone out of his pocket and typing frantically, “Can we really fuckin’ go to prison over crabs?...Holy fuck...Almost 10,000 pounds of crab is worth like, $200,000.  Fuck that’s like...We’d go to jail forever...”  Jean just shook his head slowly with his mouth hanging open in shock, a sound torn between a sob and a laugh coming out of his throat.  They were so fucked if anyone ever found out how they got all these crabs.  Why did he let Eren talk him into coming to pick him up at 2am?  That’s it, Jean Kirschstein was never going to do anything nice ever again as far as Eren was concerned.  Never, no matter how much Marco begged him to...Well, if he never goes to jail for this bullshit, and Marco asked really nicely…

  “C’mon, let’s get outta here Jean,” Eren whispered, sounding somewhere between resigned and horrified, “Remember that freezer that Sasha has set up, that’s like, industrial sized?  Think she’ll let us keep all this there?”  Jean snorted lightly as he started the truck, smirking slightly.  “She’d probably let us if she can have as much as she wants,” Jean said truthfully, doing his best to carefully exit.  So what if he hopped the curb the slightest bit?  Not like he hit a car.  Eren started dialing, and chattering excitedly to Sasha, giving Jean a thumbs up to head towards Sasha’s place.  Of course she’d accept that offer.  And hey, they had close to ten thousand pounds of crab, Sasha could splurge as much as she wanted.  

  Unfortunately, it was going to be a bitch and a half to unload everything, and Jean could hear Eren grumbling under his breath as he texted probably all of their friends to meet at Sasha’s, and if he had half an ounce of sense, he wasn’t going to mention why.  As they neared Sasha’s home, Jean got twitchy as he looked at the restriction signs for trucks over 10,000 pounds needing to use a different route, but there wasn’t really any other way to get to Sasha’s.  Eren grumbled under his breath about not getting there until lunch, and Jean punched him lightly as he continued to drive illegally, begging all his lucky stars that there weren’t any cops nearby just waiting to pounce on them.

  Four cars were piled around Sasha’s driveway, and Jean really wished they could just disappear as a majority of their friends stood in silence and watched as Jean maneuvered the truck.  Eren hopped out first, apparently giving instructions to the group gathered, and Jean let his head rest on the steering wheel.  Once again, Jean’s door was ripped open unceremoniously, and he screamed again, flinching away until his mind registered that yep, Marco was standing there with a clearly confused look on his face.  Jean dragged a hand down his face and whined piteously “Please don’t ask baby, I’m sleeping.”  With that, Jean buried his face into the wheel and pretended to snore loudly, begging everything that no one would try to ask him what had happened, already hearing Eren being badgered by Mikasa (who had apparently tagged along when Annie got the text asking everyone to get to Sasha’s).  There was a sigh, and his door closed, and Jean let himself relax enough that he did actually fall asleep there.


End file.
